Joanna Groves

Psychotherapist . Supervision . Coaching . Training

Tel: 07538 041967

Forget New Year’s Resolutions, try a New Year’s Focus instead

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Fancy an alternative to the usual New Year’s Resolutions?

Then try My 3 Words instead by the hugely inspiring Chris Brogan. 

I’m a BIG fan of New Year. I love the freshness, the whiff of possibilities that lie ahead. I love the blank pages of my diary waiting to be filled with cool things. Seduced by the New Year I’ve found myself making New Year’s resolutions that are…well, quite honestly a load of b**locks!

In a recent survey, 22% of people had sacked off their new habits and goals by the end of February and mid way through the year more than 65% of people find their New Year’s Resolutions have fallen by the wayside. I have to admit, sometimes mine barely make make it out of the gate! To combat my annual giving up, I’ve often attempted to make humorous resolutions instead. In 2012 I vowed to “have more fun!”…a complete and utter away-behaviour to avoid the growing realisation that I needed to make changes in my life. Or my 2014 goal to “swear more”…again, a distraction because I don’t really need encouragement in that area!

As 2019 approached I was challenged by my OH to come up with My 3 Words that would offer a focus for the year, to keep me on track towards my values and life-goals. If you haven’t already connected with your values then read my blog post here to get started. 

I have to admit, at first I just came up with the same old lists of things I had no real intention of doing, or goals that were unrealistic and had no substance. But then I really gave it some thought and realised I now feel inspired rather than defeated.

How it works…

Your three words should be personal to you. Don’t overthink it, start by writing down words that pop in to your head and work from there. Think about the direction you want your year to take, words that will take you in the direction of your values during the year ahead. 

Be honest with yourself. For example, weight-loss is often a common goal in January so think about what you would need to be reminded of to keep moving toward that goal e.g. Rainbow (eat colourful foods), Water (stay hydrated), Patience (small steps DO make a difference).

Once you’ve got your three words, make them a part of your everyday life and you’ll soon find they become part of your decision making, daily choices and quiet reflections. Screensavers, post-it notes around your home and office, mini-frame beside your bed etc. etc.

What did you come up with?…

Post below and share your three words, I’d love to hear your experience.

Mine are in the photo above, together with a background photo that I took on a lovely holiday that reminds me of the feeling of relaxation.

Thrive – use what I already have to thrive in all areas of my life, especially health and work.

Relax – rediscover activities that help me experience relaxation.

Initiate – my most challenging and therefore most growthful. Act upon my instincts by initiating conversations, actions, ideas.

What Quote Has Actually Stuck With You & Changed Your Life?

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We all carry little snippets of wisdom around with us — quotes from authors, philosophers, or other figures who inspire us and whose words left a mark on our minds. What are yours?

Source: People Were Asked: ‘What Quote Has Actually Stuck With You & Changed Your Life?’ | Collective-Evolution

I do love a good quote! Give me an affirmation or wonderful poem and I’m truly happy and inspired. All the same, I wonder what it is that draws us to certain quotes, lines from movies and books and the like, that somehow stick with us throughout life. For me, it stems from an inspirational English teacher who taught me the love of language.

At my practice at The Affinity Centre, Cheadle and Wilmslow, I meet lots of people of all ages, from a wide variety of backgrounds and cultures. Within the early therapy work a quote or snippet of a poem will come to mind and shape the way I think of our work together. Sometimes, if appropriate I might share my thoughts with the person, and often it’s a really good fit to what’s happening in the work.

Therapy is a reflective process so it makes sense to me that I do this, but I also recognise I was doing this in my previous career in the corporate world. Maybe too I can recognise that I’m a creative thinker and I’m often energised by images and words from others, that somehow articulate what’s going on for me. 

Whatever our reasons for choosing the quotes and lines we do, they are everywhere. I’d love to hear from you on what’s inspired and influenced you? 

If you’re the self-reflective type then come and join us at our Personal Development Weekend Workshop.

It’s a great opportunity for a voyage of self-discovery that will help you in both your personal and professional life.

Stress: It’s Not in Your Head, it’s in Your Nervous System

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How to release traumatic memory that could be stored in your body.

Source: Stress: It’s Not in Your Head, it’s in Your Nervous System

Unprocessed stress becomes traumatic memory that lies dormant in the body. A present day trigger can cause the stored memory to resurface. Understanding what is happening inside our body and brain, gives us compassion. Learning why our body responds the way it does, leads to awareness and empowerment.

I see lots of clients reporting symptoms of stress and anxiety, most of which want to get-rid-of or stop feeling the way they do. Some talk shamefully of “not coping” and how they believe they should be able to manage the little things that seemingly pushed them closer to stress.

But did you know that stress and anxiety are experiences that are in your body? Sure you’re going to experience lots of symptoms in your head like brain fog, headaches, loss of concentration. That makes sense as we know that the brain reacts and responds to the body’s signals of distress. What we’re less tuned in to are the body sensations that can offer us lots of information on how best to manage stress.

Read more in this article that articulately describes the body – mind connection and also some simple, effective, immediate ways you can impact feelings of stress and anxiety. There is no magic answer to managing stress, and by tuning inwards and listening to your body you can learn what to do to sooth and regulate those stressful emotions that works for you.

Connecting with your values

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Get yourself ahead of the game in 2018 by focusing on your personal values.

Think of your values as the rudder of your personal boat. They steer you towards what and who is important.

Your values are personal to you and can give you a sense of wholeness and solidity in who you are and how you want to show up in life. Your values are like the sun on the horizon that you keep moving forward.

So let’s be clear. You never truly achieve your values. You can’t actually “achieve” health; health is something you need to consistently invest in, in order to stay healthy. Or take your relationship; you never truly “achieve” a great bond with your partner. You need to consistently invest in your relationship and yourself in order to maintain a fulfilling, loving bond. It’s the same for all your values. You need to consistently pay-in to what’s important for you.

The great thing is, once you’re clear on what and who is important, your values can help you make decisions, guide you toward a fulfilling life, and offer you direction and purpose.

It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.

Roy E. Disney

Want to try this out for yourself?

I use this fantastic exercise with people of all ages to help them get clear on their personal values. Teenagers love it because it invites them to be reflective and articulate the direction they want life to take. Couples find this really useful in gaining insight in to one another’s inner worlds. For individuals, it’s a great tool to boost confidence and self-awareness.

Personally, my values help me make sense as to why some things are REALLY important to me and help me see why I get unsettled when something or someone crosses my moral boundaries.

To complete the exercise:

  1. Print a list of values here and cut them up.
    Notice there are spare cards that you can add your own words if needed.
  2. Sort the cards in to 3 piles; Not Important – meaning these things don’t impact on you personally. Important – meaning these things have some value to you. Very Important – meaning these things are the very core of you!
  3. Narrow your choice of Very Important down to a maximum of 6. That’s usually quite a challenge but important in that you want to be able to connect with your values easily.
  4. Photograph your 6 cards so you can remind yourself regularly.
  5. As an extra step; taking one value card at a time, write out all the reasons and ways in which this particular value is important to you. Include how this value adds to your life, what it feels like when you connect with this value, where you see room for improvement and growth. What small steps can you take that will help you to keep moving…or start moving…toward this value? How will these steps make a difference? What might be uncomfortable in taking those first steps? How might you get in your own way or sabotage yourself? What support might you need? What will life look like when you’re fully embracing this value?
  6. Re-visit your values regularly and set yourself small steps that keep your personal boat sailing in the right direction.

Want to know more about how you can connect with your values and personal growth plan?

Come and work with me at my office in Cheadle. Working with values is a great way of growing your self-awareness and self-esteem. Who couldn’t use a little more confidence right?

Also, at The Affinity Centre we run a workshop around personal growth that encourages you to be all of yourself with the aim of getting even more out of your personal relationships. Click on the link here for more details.

Is Your Therapy Working as it Should? | Psychology Today

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Good therapy should feel like work that is paying off.

Source: Is Your Therapy Working as it Should? | Psychology Today

Great to find an article raising the very important questions around the effectiveness of therapy. I really like how it highlights that “good therapy should regularly feel uncomfortable if not frankly anxiety provoking.”

You’re investing your time and money in therapy, it’s important that you reflect on what you’re getting from the process. Good therapists will make time for co-creative reflection in the therapy space. In TA therapy (Transactional Analysis) we pay particular attention to the therapeutic contract between therapist and client and so it’s usual to question “how are we doing so far?”  to ensure you are getting what you want from your sessions.

Therapy can be uncomfortable, after all you’re bringing the very things you find difficult. However, with compassion and patience you can move towards your goals and the life you want for yourself. Change isn’t easy but the journey towards change can be rewarding.

 

Anger and hatred can make us feel happy

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People have higher life satisfaction if they feel emotions they desire – even if they are unpleasant.

Source: Anger and hatred can make us feel happy, says study – BBC News

Interesting research on the positive impact of so-called negative emotions. What I really like is the call to feel your feelings in an appropriate way. I often struggle with the idea that emotions are described as positive and negative as I believe all emotions have equal value.

People who come to see me at my therapy practice in Cheadle and Wilmslow often want to “get rid of” or “stop feeling” certain emotions. Especially when experiencing those feelings are uncomfortable. Makes sense huh. Only, when we don’t express our emotions it can have a real impact on our wellbeing.

The best way I’ve found to get-rid-of feelings is to have them. I support people to understand what their emotions are signalling and to learn how they can take steps to validate and express emotions in a healthier way.

As this article says, sometimes by feeling our feelings we can feel happier and more content.

Resilience Is About How You Recharge, Not How You Endure

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Try really hard, and then stop, recover, and repeat…

Source: Resilience Is About How You Recharge, Not How You Endure

 

The tide is turning. Or so I believe anyhow.

People are far more willing to voice their health concerns and worries for themselves and others, over the outdated belief that we humans should endure. Rest, recharge, mindful and mindless activities, connection, and play are making their way back on to the life-list for some.

There are still many people who come to see me at my practice in Cheadle, Cheshire who hold on to the thoughts that they “should” be stronger minded, more organised, less bothered, thicker skinned…you’ll be familiar with those phrases no doubt.

In Transactional Analysis we consider our individual Drivers. What drives a person to think, feel and behave in a particular way, often resulting in an oh-so-familiar repeated pattern that kinda gets us nowhere?

PAUSE. When you think about it, we humans aren’t really made to be on the go 24/7. We’re not really made to endure for long periods of time.

What I like about this article is the emphasis that when we’re not ‘working’ (whatever work is to you), we’re often…well…errr…working. Outside of my working day, I do domestic tasks, life-lists, reading and planning for work, clearing emails, admin I don’t get time for, training courses. I work ‘on’ my business instead of ‘in’ my business.

These days I’m making a conscious effort to rest and recharge. I love having a digital detox and have a silent-day (…or even a few hours) whenever I can. What will you do to truly recharge?

How to release the stress stored in our bodies

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There is one muscle in the body that often stores trauma. Here’s how to joyfully release the Stress.

 

Source: How to Release the Stress stored in our Bodies

“If you spend as much time stretching your psoas muscle every day as you just did reading this article, you will notice some big changes in your life.” writes Jacob Devaney.

This is a great article on the benefits of stretching the psoas muscle. This mighty muscle connects your torso to your legs and is responsible for core strength. The psoas can impact everything from posture, knee and back pain, to shallow breathing, menstrual cramps, and tiredness.

You don’t have to become a yogi…well, not unless you want to!…but a few minutes stretching will help the body let go of stress and leave you feeling more relaxed.

When people ask me about coping strategies and techniques for managing stress, I always talk about body health. To take care of the mind we must take care of the body and stretching can be hugely beneficial. Give it a try and let me know if it works for you.

Is positive thinking making us depressed? 

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We should not ‘sugar-coat’ the negative aspects of life, says author Svend Brinkmann

Source: Is positive thinking making us depressed? – BBC News

Great podcast on making room for ALL of our feelings and the problem with positive psychology, in its many forms.

What I like is the acknowledgement that, as a culture, we seem to believe in happiness and positivity being a constant state and are striving for something that’s most likely unachievable. That somehow, if we were more happy or content or positive then life would be….better???

My problem with this is, I see many people in my practice at Cheadle and Wilmslow, who believe they are failing to keep up with what’s expected of them in today’s society.

Personally, I have to filter out constant flow of “positive” articles that show up on social media inviting me to think or behave in a certain way. There are a growing number of websites about such subjects. Many of them are backed up with oodles of scientific research. But I’m often left thinking “so what?”

So what if I understand XYZ more and I think can gain more control over my life? So what if I adopt this new practice, philosophy, or approach to life? So what…

Human beings are blessed with a huge spectrum of feelings. Use them. You’ll be amazed what you will learn from being yourself and accepting your feelings. So called negative emotions can be life’s learning and are every bit as important as the more socially acceptable emotions.

For me, all emotions are equal.

What are your thoughts?

Why Chipping Away At Your Problems Beats The Quick Fix

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As with putting on a fresh coat of paint, long-term change generally won’t stick unless we first chip away at existing layers that could undermine our efforts.

Source: Why Chipping Away At Your Problems Beats The Quick Fix

Anyone who’s worked with me over the years will be familiar with my desire to address the small stuff first. Change takes time and before we can make changes I believe we need to check the foundations and make adjustments as necessary.

You see, we’re canny creatures us human beings and if we could ‘just’ make quick fixes…well we would! Trouble is, quick fixes don’t account for resistance and at the core of every desired change is a healthy dose of resistance, as well as life-limiting doses of self-sabotage. Resistance and self-sabotage often feel uncomfortable, embarrassing, shameful and more. And why would anyone want to feel like that right?

Therapy works best when you make slow consistent changes in your thinking, feelings, and behaviour that help move you toward a more fulfilling and contented life. Although small, these changes are mighty and form solid foundations from which you can grow and thrive.

Sounds alot better than a new lick of paint to cover over the old cracks right?