Joanna Groves

Psychotherapist . Supervision . Coaching . Training

Tel: 07538 041967

Forget New Year’s Resolutions, try a New Year’s Focus instead

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Fancy an alternative to the usual New Year’s Resolutions?

Then try My 3 Words instead by the hugely inspiring Chris Brogan. 

I’m a BIG fan of New Year. I love the freshness, the whiff of possibilities that lie ahead. I love the blank pages of my diary waiting to be filled with cool things. Seduced by the New Year I’ve found myself making New Year’s resolutions that are…well, quite honestly a load of b**locks!

In a recent survey, 22% of people had sacked off their new habits and goals by the end of February and mid way through the year more than 65% of people find their New Year’s Resolutions have fallen by the wayside. I have to admit, sometimes mine barely make make it out of the gate! To combat my annual giving up, I’ve often attempted to make humorous resolutions instead. In 2012 I vowed to “have more fun!”…a complete and utter away-behaviour to avoid the growing realisation that I needed to make changes in my life. Or my 2014 goal to “swear more”…again, a distraction because I don’t really need encouragement in that area!

As 2019 approached I was challenged by my OH to come up with My 3 Words that would offer a focus for the year, to keep me on track towards my values and life-goals. If you haven’t already connected with your values then read my blog post here to get started. 

I have to admit, at first I just came up with the same old lists of things I had no real intention of doing, or goals that were unrealistic and had no substance. But then I really gave it some thought and realised I now feel inspired rather than defeated.

How it works…

Your three words should be personal to you. Don’t overthink it, start by writing down words that pop in to your head and work from there. Think about the direction you want your year to take, words that will take you in the direction of your values during the year ahead. 

Be honest with yourself. For example, weight-loss is often a common goal in January so think about what you would need to be reminded of to keep moving toward that goal e.g. Rainbow (eat colourful foods), Water (stay hydrated), Patience (small steps DO make a difference).

Once you’ve got your three words, make them a part of your everyday life and you’ll soon find they become part of your decision making, daily choices and quiet reflections. Screensavers, post-it notes around your home and office, mini-frame beside your bed etc. etc.

What did you come up with?…

Post below and share your three words, I’d love to hear your experience.

Mine are in the photo above, together with a background photo that I took on a lovely holiday that reminds me of the feeling of relaxation.

Thrive – use what I already have to thrive in all areas of my life, especially health and work.

Relax – rediscover activities that help me experience relaxation.

Initiate – my most challenging and therefore most growthful. Act upon my instincts by initiating conversations, actions, ideas.

Can food improve your mental health?

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As part of the fight against mental health problems we have a very much underutilised tool – food.

Source: How food can improve your mental health – BBC News

In my personal and professional capacity, nutrition is key.

When working with teenagers and adults alike at my private practice at The Affinity Centre, Cheadle and Wilmslow, I get interested in the person’s lifestyle and nutrition. I’ve lost count of the teenagers in particular who complain of feeling stressed and anxious who regularly skip meals. 

Our bodies job, it’s sole purpose, is to keep us alive. And that means the energy supply in has to support the energy supply out. When we’re hungry and dehydrated the body becomes stressed and sends out all sorts of signals – headaches, loss of concentration, increased fear response, fatigue, lethargy, nausea,  feeling jittery or nervous. The body is super clever in getting attention.

Sadly, us humans are not always tuned-in to our bodies and so we override these signals resulting in increased cortisol levels. And increased cortisol is at the very heart of stress and anxiety. 

It isn’t just the young either, adults are often too busy to pay attention to the basics and our ever aging bodies need different nutrition at different times in our lives. For example, new parents – mums and dads – would benefit from looking at foods that support them with energy levels given sleep deprivation ultimately kicks in.

I also work with lots of women approaching or in their menopause who truly benefit from better nutritional support. Personally, I’ve got to my mid-forties and have to accept that sugar truly does mess with my system. As a cake lover this isn’t good news. Alas, when I ignore the signals (…and I do!) of aching joints, fatigue, acid reflux and irritability, ultimately I end up feeling very low and with heart palpitations. Within a week or so of detoxing from sugar my anxiety and low mood is gone.

Thankfully, there is now so much we can do to take care of feelings of stress and anxiety. Get in touch and let’s look at your personal health plan that will put you back in harmony with your body. 

What Quote Has Actually Stuck With You & Changed Your Life?

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We all carry little snippets of wisdom around with us — quotes from authors, philosophers, or other figures who inspire us and whose words left a mark on our minds. What are yours?

Source: People Were Asked: ‘What Quote Has Actually Stuck With You & Changed Your Life?’ | Collective-Evolution

I do love a good quote! Give me an affirmation or wonderful poem and I’m truly happy and inspired. All the same, I wonder what it is that draws us to certain quotes, lines from movies and books and the like, that somehow stick with us throughout life. For me, it stems from an inspirational English teacher who taught me the love of language.

At my practice at The Affinity Centre, Cheadle and Wilmslow, I meet lots of people of all ages, from a wide variety of backgrounds and cultures. Within the early therapy work a quote or snippet of a poem will come to mind and shape the way I think of our work together. Sometimes, if appropriate I might share my thoughts with the person, and often it’s a really good fit to what’s happening in the work.

Therapy is a reflective process so it makes sense to me that I do this, but I also recognise I was doing this in my previous career in the corporate world. Maybe too I can recognise that I’m a creative thinker and I’m often energised by images and words from others, that somehow articulate what’s going on for me. 

Whatever our reasons for choosing the quotes and lines we do, they are everywhere. I’d love to hear from you on what’s inspired and influenced you? 

If you’re the self-reflective type then come and join us at our Personal Development Weekend Workshop.

It’s a great opportunity for a voyage of self-discovery that will help you in both your personal and professional life.

Love vs. Lust: Are Sex and Love the Same Thing?

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Do you believe in love at first sight? Here’s some insights into the differences between love and lust to better answer that question.

Source: Love vs. Lust: Are Sex and Love the Same Thing?

As Valentine’s Day approaches this might be a good time to delve deeper in to the long pondered questions of love and lust…

When working with couples at my practice in Cheadle and Wilmslow, Cheshire, I’m always interested in how these two people sitting in front of me met and what the beginning of the relationship was like. What was the attraction to the other? What were the hopes and dreams for each in those first weeks? What was shared and what was hoped for? How soon did the relationship become sexual? When did disillusionment first creep in?

How we meet plays a huge part in how we argue and/or get stuck later in relationship. It’s usual to get stuck and that happens in every relationship, this isn’t a good indicator of whether you’ve chosen the right partner. Although for many, arguing and feeling trapped in never ending patterns does indeed signal the end of the relationship and one or both partners move on to a new love to try again. Again. And again.

What is a useful indicator is to think of the differences between lust and love, which this article describes well.

With lust, once the sexual desire wanes…and let’s face it that can be a fair distance in to the relationship…you can drift for a while before realising that you’re not in love with the person you’re sharing a bed with. The trouble is, high on lust and sex you’ve usually made lots of promises and commitments of love to one another, which confuses things further.

Whereas love is still around when lust inevitably dissipates. Relationships are hard work. As unromantic as that may sound, a conscious loving relationship involves two individuals who are interested in the world of the other. Love is a commitment to yourself, the other, and the relationship.

Love can bring with it a deep sense of wellbeing. This article describes a shift from me-thinking to we-thinking. I’d go a step further and say, for fulfilling, lasting relationships each person also has to make the shift from we-thinking to I-Thou thinking. This makes space for two individuals to peacefully co-exist within the safety of the relationship. To find out more click here…

Stress: It’s Not in Your Head, it’s in Your Nervous System

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How to release traumatic memory that could be stored in your body.

Source: Stress: It’s Not in Your Head, it’s in Your Nervous System

Unprocessed stress becomes traumatic memory that lies dormant in the body. A present day trigger can cause the stored memory to resurface. Understanding what is happening inside our body and brain, gives us compassion. Learning why our body responds the way it does, leads to awareness and empowerment.

I see lots of clients reporting symptoms of stress and anxiety, most of which want to get-rid-of or stop feeling the way they do. Some talk shamefully of “not coping” and how they believe they should be able to manage the little things that seemingly pushed them closer to stress.

But did you know that stress and anxiety are experiences that are in your body? Sure you’re going to experience lots of symptoms in your head like brain fog, headaches, loss of concentration. That makes sense as we know that the brain reacts and responds to the body’s signals of distress. What we’re less tuned in to are the body sensations that can offer us lots of information on how best to manage stress.

Read more in this article that articulately describes the body – mind connection and also some simple, effective, immediate ways you can impact feelings of stress and anxiety. There is no magic answer to managing stress, and by tuning inwards and listening to your body you can learn what to do to sooth and regulate those stressful emotions that works for you.

Connecting with your values

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Get yourself ahead of the game in 2018 by focusing on your personal values.

Think of your values as the rudder of your personal boat. They steer you towards what and who is important.

Your values are personal to you and can give you a sense of wholeness and solidity in who you are and how you want to show up in life. Your values are like the sun on the horizon that you keep moving forward.

So let’s be clear. You never truly achieve your values. You can’t actually “achieve” health; health is something you need to consistently invest in, in order to stay healthy. Or take your relationship; you never truly “achieve” a great bond with your partner. You need to consistently invest in your relationship and yourself in order to maintain a fulfilling, loving bond. It’s the same for all your values. You need to consistently pay-in to what’s important for you.

The great thing is, once you’re clear on what and who is important, your values can help you make decisions, guide you toward a fulfilling life, and offer you direction and purpose.

It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.

Roy E. Disney

Want to try this out for yourself?

I use this fantastic exercise with people of all ages to help them get clear on their personal values. Teenagers love it because it invites them to be reflective and articulate the direction they want life to take. Couples find this really useful in gaining insight in to one another’s inner worlds. For individuals, it’s a great tool to boost confidence and self-awareness.

Personally, my values help me make sense as to why some things are REALLY important to me and help me see why I get unsettled when something or someone crosses my moral boundaries.

To complete the exercise:

  1. Print a list of values here and cut them up.
    Notice there are spare cards that you can add your own words if needed.
  2. Sort the cards in to 3 piles; Not Important – meaning these things don’t impact on you personally. Important – meaning these things have some value to you. Very Important – meaning these things are the very core of you!
  3. Narrow your choice of Very Important down to a maximum of 6. That’s usually quite a challenge but important in that you want to be able to connect with your values easily.
  4. Photograph your 6 cards so you can remind yourself regularly.
  5. As an extra step; taking one value card at a time, write out all the reasons and ways in which this particular value is important to you. Include how this value adds to your life, what it feels like when you connect with this value, where you see room for improvement and growth. What small steps can you take that will help you to keep moving…or start moving…toward this value? How will these steps make a difference? What might be uncomfortable in taking those first steps? How might you get in your own way or sabotage yourself? What support might you need? What will life look like when you’re fully embracing this value?
  6. Re-visit your values regularly and set yourself small steps that keep your personal boat sailing in the right direction.

Want to know more about how you can connect with your values and personal growth plan?

Come and work with me at my office in Cheadle. Working with values is a great way of growing your self-awareness and self-esteem. Who couldn’t use a little more confidence right?

Also, at The Affinity Centre we run a workshop around personal growth that encourages you to be all of yourself with the aim of getting even more out of your personal relationships. Click on the link here for more details.

Is Your Therapy Working as it Should? | Psychology Today

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Good therapy should feel like work that is paying off.

Source: Is Your Therapy Working as it Should? | Psychology Today

Great to find an article raising the very important questions around the effectiveness of therapy. I really like how it highlights that “good therapy should regularly feel uncomfortable if not frankly anxiety provoking.”

You’re investing your time and money in therapy, it’s important that you reflect on what you’re getting from the process. Good therapists will make time for co-creative reflection in the therapy space. In TA therapy (Transactional Analysis) we pay particular attention to the therapeutic contract between therapist and client and so it’s usual to question “how are we doing so far?”  to ensure you are getting what you want from your sessions.

Therapy can be uncomfortable, after all you’re bringing the very things you find difficult. However, with compassion and patience you can move towards your goals and the life you want for yourself. Change isn’t easy but the journey towards change can be rewarding.

 

8 Psychological Tips for Being More Confident

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Everyone needs a confidence boost now and then. Staving off self-doubt isn’t always easy, but these suggestions can help you feel more confident more often.

Source: 8 Psychological Tips for Being More Confident

Happy New Year! Get 2018 off to a great start by tuning in to some of these ways to boost your confidence.

My favourite is Doubt your Doubt. This often works for me when I catch my inner-critic telling me I can’t do something. Questioning the truth in my own statements can be useful. Do I really, really believe I can’t get myself organised, achieve that piece of work, get fit, keep my new year’s resolution (*cough, ok that one may have more than a grain of truth in it!)…blah, blah, blah. The list can be endless some days!

Truth is we all experience self-doubt and confidence issues at some points in our life. That’s just the deal of being human. Consciously choosing to do one thing to boost your confidence can make a big difference.

At my practice in Cheadle and Wilmslow, Cheshire I often hear stories from people who feel like they’ve lost their confidence, or never really had it in the first place.

Therapy can be a wonderful space to explore the underpinning beliefs you have around ‘confidence’, and support you to move toward a healthier approach to boosting your self esteem.

The Real Reason For Troubled Sibling Relationships 

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When siblings are raised in environments where there’s conflict, chaos, rejection or a lack of protection, it has an enormous impact on how they end up relating to each-other in adult life.

Source: The Real Reason For Troubled Sibling Relationships | Marcia Sirota

A great article on the impact of childhood on sibling relationships. I think this approach encourages a more compassionate understanding of you-and-me.

Often we can question ourselves or blame the other when things get tough between siblings. Here the emphasis is on taking a look at shared history to understand the relationship dynamics between brothers and sisters.

I meet people who share painful stories of relationships with siblings: arguments, broken bonds, longed for connections, rivalry that lasts long into adulthood, assumed responsibilities.

You can choose your friends but not your family right? Well, I also believe that gaining insight and awareness into family patterns of being with one another can be hugely beneficial.

Anger and hatred can make us feel happy

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People have higher life satisfaction if they feel emotions they desire – even if they are unpleasant.

Source: Anger and hatred can make us feel happy, says study – BBC News

Interesting research on the positive impact of so-called negative emotions. What I really like is the call to feel your feelings in an appropriate way. I often struggle with the idea that emotions are described as positive and negative as I believe all emotions have equal value.

People who come to see me at my therapy practice in Cheadle and Wilmslow often want to “get rid of” or “stop feeling” certain emotions. Especially when experiencing those feelings are uncomfortable. Makes sense huh. Only, when we don’t express our emotions it can have a real impact on our wellbeing.

The best way I’ve found to get-rid-of feelings is to have them. I support people to understand what their emotions are signalling and to learn how they can take steps to validate and express emotions in a healthier way.

As this article says, sometimes by feeling our feelings we can feel happier and more content.